The Brittle Piece

Once upon a time, there was a humble candy maker named Buddy Smack who specialized in making peanut brittle. Unless one was allergic to them or simply detested the taste of peanuts, one would soon discover the irresistible quality in just a very few bites of brittle. Old Man Smack was very guarded when questioned about the recipe. He usually answered inquiries by stating, "What goes into Buddy's brittle, will sit well in your middle."

As word spread of Mr. Smack's famous brittle, the demand for the stuff nearly caused riots in some of the bigger cities across the country. Supplies of the brittle simply flew off of the shelves almost as quickly as they arrived by truck to the stores. Anyone who knew a thing or two about a good thing (and Buddy's Better Brittle was a really good thing) took stock in Smack's Incredible Confectionery Company by investing as shareholders.

Within a few short months, Mr. Smack's profits were soaring. He was able to build other factories across the country, creating thousands of jobs for peanut-pickers, peanut-shellers, and brittle-bakers. Local economies were booming with the sales of the stuff. After years of perfecting his secret formula for peanut brittle, Buddy Smack had finally struck it rich!

But things were not as well as they might have appeared. Because of Mr. Smack's great success with his world-famous brittle, his competitors in the confectionery cartels suffered heavy losses in the marketplace. Workers in the Sour Sucker Ball factories were being laid off by the hundreds. The Gooey-Grimey Gummy-Glop Gloopers Union Local #80 marched on several of Mr. Smack's factories in protest, harassing brittle-workers and blocking distribution centers.

It simply was not fair that Mr. Smack, through his own talent, abilities, and hard work could be allowed to make so much money. So, the unions and the cartels sought relief from their respective legislators. What was the answer to their problem? Regulation and taxation: the two best friends a politician ever had!

Senator Jack Hass passed a regulation requiring all peanut-shellers to participate in 80 hours of mandatory fire prevention training (for we all know how friction could cause a peanut-sheller to spontaneously burst into flames.) Congresswoman Ema Bovine proposed a bill to impose a sales tax on every third peanut found in each brittle consumer's stool. Of course such a bill would require the need for inspections, and inspections meant the need for inspectors, and that would mean the introduction of every politician's third-best friend: Bureaucrats!

And in short order, all of the efforts to bring fair play to the marketplace only resulted in closing all the doors to Mr. Smack's successful business. Soon all of his investors sold off what remained of their plummeting shares in Buddy's brittle business. As taxation and regulation established a firm grip on Mr. Smack's assets, it became increasingly more unprofitable to produce and sell peanut brittle.

Yet the politicians delighted in the harvest of tax dollars gained from Smack's brittle ventures. The size of government soon expanded. So as Mr. Smack's business began to fail, the politicians realized something had to be done to rescue their cash cow before it collapsed and died. And so it was that the government reached into its own treasuries and began buying up all the peanut brittle stock shares from Mr. Smack it could acquire.

Mr. Smack was no fool. Every package of brittle he sold meant more of his profits going into the government coffers. So,without fanfare, Mr. Smack closed up his business quickly and moved out of the country. And with him went all the jobs, investment capital, and good business sense.

Mr. Smack opened up a new factory overseas and exported his brittle all over the world. He became wealthier than he could have ever imagined. Meanwhile, the government officials back home held Congressional hearings to determine the cause of the collapse of their brittle candy markets. Congress held so many televised hearings and pointed so many fingers that the voters re-elected almost all of them back into office just so they would stop interrupting "American Idol" with all the hearings.

The moral of this story is as plain as the peanut in your brittle. Politicians don't know peanuts about what is good for business, Buddy, but they sure can talk smack about it.

(copyright 2008, Gregory Allen Doyle)